My Asperger Bad Day

Well, I'm finally back.

Looking back, it's been a long time since I've posted anything on this site. But one doesn't realize how much time it takes to do all those "adult" things till you actually have to do them yourself. Granted, my mom is doing some of the work as well but when a household goes from four to three, then from three to two, that becomes a big adjustment.

Now, mind you, my young brother is still around and willing to help but he works a full schedule and doesn't live right around the corner anymore. My mom on the other hand is here (as I live with her) but there is only so much she can handle during the day because of numerous surgeries she has had to undergo.

All this adds up and leads me to my new bad day. I won't go ranting off on all the details at the moment. But things are simply piling up.

Most know that for a while things have been going very well between my mother and I. We had nearly stopping arguing over everything. Things were slowly moving along. Life seemed to be regaining it's alignment.

But now things have flipped again. To summarize: I'm having anxious episodes that could possibly be  part of a new anxiety disorder (I've done the research and I've got all the lovely symptoms), I have a suspicion about possible depression issues now since I have nothing medically wrong with me via my medical doctor unless the aching I'm feeling is working in line with my anxiety theory, I'm feeling like the housewife having to do all this work all day long and not having anyone to talk to or share things with (my friends are limited to typing to them over skype even with the friend I've actually hung out with off the computer), having a house in semi-disorder, a mom who's own seemingly manic episodes have her jumping around to change everything in the spur of the moment leaving me feeling like I got bowled over by a tidal wave....

See where I'm going with this?

I haven't even mentioned what has happened to me today that has left me with nothing but the strong desire that yank all the cable boxes out of the house and chuck them through our service providers front window, the anxiety and rage filled battle with them that led my dog to relieve himself all over my blankets down to the mattress, a room now looking wrecked that I just cleaned, and now a mess of spilled food to clean up for the cherry on top. In summary, my day feels like a snow globe someone has just picked up and shaken for their entertainment to watch the snow fly.

My mom managed to help straighten some of the issues that happened today. However, more seem to keep coming.

I may be a person that doesn't always have an ability to know when I've said something inappropriate to someone. But calling someone's cell phone asking for their dead father, "finding out" their father is dead, and then going on to talk about this "great offer on for their car/house/etc" seems to be the most inappropriate thing unless they have called that business themselves to do just that.

If they knew and went on with it anyway, that's more wrong than I can ever express. If they didn't know but they pressed anyway...that's not as wrong but it's still hugely inappropriate.

Considering the day I had all ready been through, I'm sure I wasn't very polite to the woman but I was having none of it at all. She did call MY personal cell phone. Not exactly sure how someone can pretend like they are calling someone's home phone or that person's cell phone in this case.

So, yeah, Today is not a good day. Nor was yesterday with the fight I had with mom that seemed to unleash the torrent of my feelings that I've had over the past months. It wasn't pretty.

Now, I'm signed up for therapy and tomorrow I'm going to see about getting some medication to help me in the meantime till I can get things in order in my life as much as possible. I'm not sure how relaxation techniques are going to help me in everyday life but I will give the woman a shot considering she did say she knew how to deal with AS patients.

And there goes my rambling unending sentences again.

And with a little break there for a moment to get something from mom, I can continue.

I am hopeful that things will turn around soon. I'm on a diet and exercising whenever I get the chance. Well, 30 mins a day max and only some days to I manage to have the time or feel like doing it. Maybe that's the anxiety or depression talking. Either way I hope to have it resolved soon so I can stay on track and lose some weight so I feel better about doing more things in my day.

While it's a long shot, maybe I could even take up waking up earlier. For those that know me well enough, that is laughable. But maybe it is possible.

So, now I'm working on spending my afternoon relaxing the way I want to. With tv going in the background and feeding my geekery side. So many to count. Games, TV. Movies.

There's not much advice going into this. Today, I'm making more about me. Some me time as it were.

Also, there's nothing really to update on. Still haven't heard back about my disability case that we've are trying to get taken seriously. My hopes are high that I can work with the therapist and together we can give more ammo to my lawyer that they can't ignore.

So, that's all that's going on with me today. I hope your day is going better than mine. But it it's bad too, know that I'm right there with you. Thing can be bad and then suddenly get better. Hang in there. I'm going to.

But now it's time for me to head off and get something to eat to help my mind with what it needs. Mindless television.

Have a good day all.

My Thoughts on the Grieving "Process"

Hey there everyone.

I know it's been quite a while since I last posted here. Well, things have been very crazy and up and down around my life over the past few weeks and that leads me to why I'm deciding to talk about grief and it's "process".

Back in February, my father passed away due to a heart attack that none of us saw coming. We can only assume that he must have been feeling ill but he never truly spoke of it to us. Nor did he go to the hospital for any of the issues he was obviously having that he liked to deny.

And I suppose here is a good a place as any to jump right into the thick of things.

You might be wondering why I put quote marks around the word process. Well, to be completely honest, when it comes to grieving I believe that everyone grieves in their own way and in their own order. I'm sure most people know of the typical fashion that science claims that we all grieve. However, I think they don't take into account other factors and that's where I believe having Asperger's Syndrome comes into play along with my own personal mindset.

There are books galore that talk about grieving and ways to go about it and even quite a few about those with autism and even Asperger Syndrome people grieving as well.

Now, if you want to read those books that talk about how things are different for those like us, I'm not saying you shouldn't. That's your personal decision to make. But again, I believe here that while it might be a good guide that a book shouldn't be the deciding factor in how you decide to grieve. Things might hit you in a different way than the book describes and it might make you feel bad that you don't follow that "process" and therefore force yourself to feel or act that way although you aren't ready to.

Also, people look at death and how they want to deal with their lives after someone dear to them as passed. Even here each culture has different views on death and how they choose to go about it. In New Orleans, a band plays a somber tune while leading everyone to the cemetery but when they leave they lead everyone back out playing an upbeat tune in a way of celebrating that person's life. Other cultures instead of grieving first, look at the positive side. They remember the very best parts of that person's life and actively strive to live everyday in honor of that person to be the best they can be.

As for me, I personally feel as though I am following that second path. While I can admit there are times emotion overwhelms me and I start to cry, that eventually passes and I move on. The rest of my time is spent actively working to live like I knew he would want me to live. As my dad used to say: "I don't want to see my baby girl upset." He knows I miss him. He knows that I love him. And I don't think he thinks any less of me because I'm not crying at all hours and constantly worrying. I do believe he prefers seeing me working to achieve everything he knew I could be and do. He wouldn't want me to feel bad that I'm not feeling bad enough.

The best way I can summarize this was from an episode of Roseanne. Roseanne's father had passed and her daughter told her that she hadn't cried yet and that she felt bad because she hadn't. Roseanne's response was: you can only feel what you feel. This is very true. If you feel sad then you can be sad but once that passes you can slowly pick the pieces back up and carry on again. But if you don't feel bad, it's not wrong. It just means you have been given the opportunity to start to move on with life and that you should take advantage of it.

Sure I'm not the highest authority on grieving and my ramblings here can be considered a book as well. So don't just take my word for it. I highly recommend talking to the people around you. Friends, family, co-workers, teachers, etc. Write it out, talk it out. Do whatever comes most naturally to you.

Essentially that's all I'm saying here. Grief is a personal process and you are the person who decides how you will go about it. While you can take someone else's advice, you aren't obligated to take it right then but keep it as an option should your way not work the way you might hope.

As for me, I'm gonna just keep my head up. Keep working on my life and do what I feel is the right thing for me. I'm going to make big changes but only on my terms.

That's the advice I will end on. As best stated by Dolly Parton: "Find out who you are and do it on purpose."

My Thoughts on the Word "Disorder"

For all who are interested, here's my story: An Aspie's Life: The Untold and Unknown Story