A Prime Example

Hello again everyone. Creative Karma your resident Autistic is back to share a little more of her world.

This blog may not be one of those things I update everyday, I mean hey, I do have other things that drag me away but recently some new things that have happened that perfectly illustrate the very things I have been talking about on this blog.

Most times, I'd say about 90% of the time, the people that tend to unintentionally step on the toes of an Autistic are those that are completely unaware that what they have said or done that normally wouldn't bother anyone else has hit a nerve with this one specific person.

But that still leave the other 10%.

It might surprise anyone that the other 10% can easily be the families of those who live with someone with autism of some kind.

The statement seems really odd to say. How can someone that has lived with and autistic person for 15 or more years of their lives still manage to do something or other that sends their autistic relative, child, or what have you to a "bad place".

Well, I can tell you that it's pretty simple most of the time. People work, people leave the house, and people don't stay in the same room at all times with the other. So even someone who has an autistic child under their roof doesn't always have to converse or deal with that autistic person so a slip can happen.

The very same slip an autistic person can make that shows their autism at an inconvenient time is something that even those that don't have autism can have. This is because they may have just spent all day working in an environment where they didn't have to think about what they were saying or doing because most likely no one in that office or place of business had autism. So they come home tired and they don't think and it just happens.

I suppose that very thing happened to me just the other day when I assumed that just a quick run out to get a chore done was going to be just that. I had no reason at the time to believe otherwise because no one had told me about the change in plans. Yet, in the heat of that moment the surprise was sprung on me and I was shaken to the core.

Honestly, I even doubt that anyone around me knew about my internal state or that between the time they left after that announcement and the next moment they saw me that I'd cried a few tears. And that despite the pain of swallowing back the tears and the urge to give into my desperation, I did. I wiped my eyes, told myself I would force myself to make it through it because I could eventually go back home and lay down and it would all be okay.

While I couldn't help the lack of smiles that I normally give people when I'm in a good mood, the act of holding back my feelings in a situation that honestly didn't call for them took away my happy mood but allowed me to keep moving on with the rest of them.

And as I have found helpful, I sent my mind to another place when I could. I could look out the window and watch the birds, the clouds, the trees, anything. I could create stories in my head that I could control and allow the conversations around me to wash over me and not overwhelm me.

Eventually, the day ended and I headed home to lay back in my bedroom with the door closed and allow myself to finally relax. And while I did not break down and cry, I felt the sense of happiness to be back in a calm place that I could close off and call my own and simply not do anything if I didn't want to.

Looking back on this experience, I realized that I'd inadvertently stepped into a solution for those problems in the future. That whether I was at a workplace or just out in a shopping mall I could draw those feelings of my world spinning out of control and use the positive aspects of the motions around me to calm those flights of fancy which would allow me to continue with my day long enough to make it back to a place where I could relax my shoulders and be happy I made it through the day.

But despite finding this source of help for my special brand of Autism, even I know that it's not going to go away. I will have to have that on the back burner waiting for me to use but it will happen again. I will always be the sort of odd chic out on the inside with a thin layer of the common chic on the outside to contain my wild nature.

In a way, I like myself this way. If I wasn't this type of person, would I still be a blogger? Would I like to write stories? Would drawing the characters in my head give me the same sense of joy? The more I think about those questions, the more I sense that the answer would be an astounding no.

To go along with that thought and to bring an end to this post, I will bring out another quote I discovered when I was setting up my white erase calendar on my door with a new quote of the month. This quote I decided to do about Autism since I'm an May baby.

"Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg." -Paul Collins

A little sideline action

This post is a bit different from the ones I thought I'd be posting. My concept was pretty simple: show others what life is like through the eyes of someone that's autistic.

I mean, it's not like I can really say that this is what it's like for all autistic people but I can at least show a small portion of this world and maybe people can understand more about autism.

How sad was I to realize just today, the day I'm getting ready to head to my cousin's wedding that there really are people who feel as if people who have autism shouldn't be listened to or taken notice of.

I know that discrimination based on disability does happen when it comes to the workforce and other places. True, this site might count against my in the eyes of many employers when I go looking for a job. However, the way I see it, if they would shut me out of a job that I'm qualified of capable of doing because I have a disability then I wouldn't want to be around them to see what other things and people they discriminate against.

This whole post was deemed necessary when I go on DA (Deviant Art) to check my messages and new art, when what do my eyes see but a post talking about taking fetish work off DA but in their description they said they wouldn't respond to someone who is autistic.

For obvious reasons I will not be linking to the person, DA, or the piece in question. I won't even copy and paste the sentence that seemed to sum up their thoughts on people with autism. Though, by now, you can probably guess what their thoughts on autism are.

While no real explanation seemed to be given for why they believed what they believe about people with autism, it's left to the rest of the world to speculate.

Does this person have autism and they hate themselves because of what they have to go through everyday? Or where they bullied everyday about their form of autism and make to believe they are worthless and meaningless because they have autism?

What could be their reason for assuming those with autism should be ignored?

True, some people with autism have an altered view of reality. Sometimes they have a harder time expressing themselves in a proper manner or in while trying to say what they mean it can come out wrong and unintentionally offend someone. I should know, I've done that last one.

I can't count the times I've said something that offended someone and I had no earthly idea I'd done anything wrong. Not because I was just being rude or I thought people talked that way but simply because my words got jumbled up in my head when I had to respond in the spur of the moment and nothing came out right,or rather nothing came out the way I intended.

I suppose that's why a blog works for me. It's the ultimate opportunity to look at what I'm "saying" and making sure I'm saying what I really mean all while being respectful.

But really, people with autism aren't useless people. Today, people and scientists are still debating and looking trying to discover what causes autism. Is it cause the parents smoked? Because they did recreational drugs? Is it genetics? Is it a birth defect?

No matter how and why autism happens to so many people, it still happens. To date, there is no "cure" for autism. There are ways to calm the symptoms down to reasonable levels but there will always be times where something will happen and a symptom will flare up and sometimes without warning.

It's no fault of theirs that they have something they were born with that now controls their life and actions. There are some amazing kids that have autism that can do amazing things. Last year I heard about a girl with autism that just liked to color. The drawings weren't of anything in particular but just swatches of color. These drawings drew the attention of their local library who now has a area of the library commemorating her work which can now be bought by others.

There are even authors, artists, activists, anthropologists, and music prodigies that are autistic. People like John Elder Robinson author of Look me in the Eye, Jason McElwain who is a high school student with autism that in the last minutes of high school basketball game, in which he was a member of the team, scored 20 points. Some of those being from the three point range.

There is Dawn Prince-Hughes that obtained her Ph.D. and is associated with the Jane Goodall Institute for her work as a primatologist and ethnologist.

Oh, and for those of you who like Pokemon. Satoshi Tajiri, the creator of Pokemon had an autistic fascination with bugs that led him to create the popular Pokemon franchise of video games.

Most of those people have a form of Asperger's Syndrome just like me. They are all successful people in their own way because people believed in them and they believed in themselves. And we all know how much money Mr. Tajiri made with the Pokemon franchise.

So, I don't know what would make someone think that people with autism have nothing to say or nothing of value to give to the world. People with autism are not "them" and I'm not going to go off and say "We..." because while I have autism, that doesn't mean people with autism should be mushed together and swept under a rug.

Everyone in the world has their own individual traits and quirks. To say that all people with autism shouldn't be listened to would be similar to saying that all "white" people are overweight bigots or all "blacks" are criminals. We as humanity are all individuals and have our own way of seeing the world based on how we were raised, the things we saw, and the things we experienced.

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

Bachelorette Parties and More

Well, here is the first official post I suppose of this new blog.

Part of dealing with having AS (Asperger's Syndrome)  is dealing with face-to-face communications and interactions with other people.

True, most days people are talking on Skype, some instant messenger provider, Facebook, or through some other chatting format. And while that is the easy way out for someone with AS, it's not necessarily the best way to acclimate to a social environment. That's one big thing that AS people have a serious problem with, as I'm well aware.

So, despite my reservations about going to my cousin's Bachelorette Party along with the knowledge that there would be a lingerie party afterward, I decided to go through with my agreement to come.

The day before the party was, in retrospect, the hardest part of the entire thing.

I found it more than difficult considering I haven't been shopping for new clothing in...what...the past 3 or 4 years. Most of the clothing I had, had been something from high school/college or was something purchased for the express purpose of an interview or a family gathering.

So really...I had nothing by the way of a casual dress that was still formal. I've got formal floor length, I've got business style dresses, club style dresses....despite the fact I've never been to a club in my life. But nothing that I could really be comfortable in for a few hours. Let alone a decent pair of high heels that I could wear and not feel like they were going to fall off my foot, rub my ankle raw, or break my ankle by the end of the evening.

It took me and my mother hours to finally come up with something that was comfortable for me but dressy enough for the evening that was ahead of me.

When the evening arrived, I willingly admit that I was nervous. This was the first time I'd ever been invited to a Bachelorette Party officially. Back when a friend of mine was married they made plans to head out for hers after the rehearsal dinner and I was invited as they were leaving but I declined.

But this time, I was invited and whether or not I went to the lingerie party afterwards would ultimately be determined on whether I was having fun and if I didn't have a headache. One of the unfortunate side effects of having AS is something that's similar to someone with ADD. Noise, movement, distractions, lights. All of these things make one's mind work harder than usual. While the typical person might be able to push those into the back of their mind and ignore them, someone with ADD/ADHD or AS has considerable difficultly blocking those noises out and the constant pounding on their nervous system gives them headaches or stresses them to the point that they must remove themselves from the environment to return to a balanced state.

Well, I knew that it was entirely possible that by the end of dinner I wasn't going to feel like doing anything else but going home and laying down somewhere quiet for a few hours.

But as the night progressed I found, to my great surprise, that not only was I interacting well with the other girls there that I was a complete stranger to but I was having a great time as well. Even with all the talking, noise, constant movement, and balancing conversations I only had one time where I had a headache.

Thankfully, I wasn't in the middle of conversation at the time so I could simply close my eyes for a moment and take slow breaths to help my mind balance come back and for the headache to go away.

With my headache out of the way and dinner over, I found that not only did I feel up to the task of staying for the rest of the party...I wanted to. A very unlikely course for me for those that know me.

I'm not the partying type. My idea of staying up late is VCing with a couple of friends on Skype and goofing off on the game Second Life or Facebook. Yeah, a party animal I am not.

This was definitely a break through moment for me. In the past, I would have only thought about how much I wanted to be home to have my computer time with my friends. I can truly say that for that night I managed to survive the seemingly insurmountable wall that is the lack of social skills that most AS people lack.

By the time I got back home, I was worn and tired but still happy. I wasn't overwhelmed or feeling upset because of the amount of conversation and noise that I had to deal with. For once, I was able to simply be in the moment and phase out all the things around me that normally would have distracted me and worn me down.

I have to say that I believe the main reason for this success was not only my will power but the lack of pressure that I usually feel from my family to run a constant dialogue or doing the right thing at the right time. That helped me to stay relaxed and made the night the fun night it should be and not a chore that needed to be gotten through as quickly as possible.

This is really a lesson that most people need to learn. People with disabilities that are called "high functioning" can, if they have set their minds to it, can really accomplish much more than others around them might think they can. So, for this post, I'm going to end with a quote that seems quite fitting.

"Always be a first rate version of yourself, rather than a second rate version of someone else." -Judy Garland 

A Little Introduction

For those aren't familiar with me, I typically go by the name Creative Karma here on the internet. I've reviewed books, YouTube videos, shared my drawings, writings and ramblings.

However, there is one thing that most people who read my blogs don't know.

I have Asperger's Syndrome which is a high functioning form of Autism.

About five years ago, right after I graduated college, with a B.A. in English, I started up with a battery of various testings for possible ADD or Asperger's like issues that might be preventing me from obtaining and maintaining a job.

It was determined that I did have Asperger's Syndrome.

Now, most people don't know what that is. Most people see the word Autism and think of someone so handicapped that they can't function in a normal society. And some others might see Asperger's and think back to the young man that shot up a school of his peers and had people later claiming he had Asperger's Syndrome.

While it is possible to have both of those situations occur with someone who has a form of Autism, those people are only part of a much larger scale of people.

There a people right in the middle of everything that, at first glance, appear to be just like everyone else. They dress nice, they walk around, they drive themselves, they have friends and cell phones and bank accounts. However, once someone digs deep enough, little quirks begin to pop up.

Maybe they said something random that wasn't part of the conversation and it wasn't a joke. Maybe they squint when under bright fluorescent lights. They might comment they don't like the texture of some food or the feel of a type of clothing. Maybe they are the type you forget they are there because they hang back and are completely quiet when they aren't being spoken to.

These types of things are signs of their Asperger's. These can range from completely obvious and debilitating to unnoticeable except in situations of extreme stress.

As for me, I land in the middle of that scale. Most of the time, people can't tell that anything is going on with me. For the most part, that is simply because I have spent my 27 years slowly working with it unconsciously to combat my social awkwardness.

The main times I tend to show my AS side is when unexpected change occurs. It could be as something simple as I'm all ready out of the house with a family member and they suddenly add another stop on our trip that I wasn't expecting. Suddenly, my internal sensors start making me panic. While there is no logical reason for me to be upset about staying out longer but it simply happens and requires me to stop, take deep breaths,  and refocus to calm myself back down.

There are a few other times when things spiral out of my control but that is the one that would be the most noticeable to others especially in a workplace environment.

Unfortunately, like with most Autism type syndromes, there is little to nothing that can be done. There are medications that can lower the intensity of certain issues but nothing that will cover the gambit of issues that plagues the daily living besides the constant "internal checking".

What I mean by that is that before speaking, I have to think about the words coming out of my mouth and if they are relevant to the conversation or not. I have to keep a sharp eye for non-verbal cues that let me know if I'm rambling. And, when it's necessary, I have to remove myself from a situation, go to a quiet place, and allow my sensors to cool off before going back to rejoin whatever it was that I left.

Lately, things like that have become easier to handle because I had my prescription lenses tinted a color especially for me. In effect, those medications that people who have ADD or ADHD use to calm their minds down so they can focus, the glasses do the very same thing. While it's a pricey option, some people never have to take medication ever again because the glasses take care of the bulk of the problems.

Now that the techno babble is out of the way, time for the reason I decided to create this blog.

I can't count the number of times during the day that I had to explain to people what Asperger's Syndrome was when I was first diagnosed with it.

There were a surprising amount of people who had no idea it existed yet there were numerous groups dedicated to helping those people deal with everyday life.

Then, when I went to a Vocational Rehabilitation Center that is supposed to help people with disabilities gain the skills they need to gain employment and help them get a job, they had little knowledge in how to deal with someone who has the intelligence to work but lacks certain social skills that become so important during an interview or while they are on the job.

In essence, part of this blog is going to be teaching about Asperger's Syndrome but it's also going to show that, despite having what is considered a "mental disability", that I can function in everyday life, maintain friendships, and have fun all while doing the typical menial tasks like balancing a checkbook, cleaning up around the house, and deal with emotional issues.

I may not be on the rough end of the scale and by no means do I think my words should be taken as the typical life of someone with Asperger's. This is merely the way me, as a person with Asperger's Syndrome, manages to live her life despite the setbacks that come along with it.

If nothing else comes out of this blog than I'm more easily able to reconcile the issues I face and make life a little bit easier to handle, then I will count this blog as a complete success.