Sometimes it just sucks

Ya know

I keep talking about all these great things about being an Aspie. All the things you can do. All the misunderstandings that can come with others lack of knowledge and such. Those great people that did these great things.

But, I haven't really gone the other way yet. Being as it's close to Christmas I know it doesn't seem like the proper time but it really is.

Christmas is by far one of the most stressful holidays we as people ever have to go through. Every one has heard of the scores of people that actually get trampled on Black Friday. The insane parking issues. All for what? So much emphasis is being placed on what your getting and/or how much you are giving.

*takes a breath*

Sometimes being and Aspie just sucks. It's almost physically painful sometimes. You may be doing everything right and the way you are supposed to and you can still hit rock bottom. It doesn't mean that you aren't working hard enough. It could mean you are working too hard. However, even if you are doing just enough you are going to have bad days.

There is absolutely no way around this at all. Yeah, that knowledge sucks. You can still go from having the best day to having the worst in a manner of moments.

Just know that when things get bad for you. You've done too much. You can't get away. You snap at your friends or family and they can't understand why. In those moments, they are a part of you and there's nothing that can change that. Just move on with your day. Make what apologies you have to and keep moving. Looking back will only make you fall.

It'll suck but only as long as you let it.

NaNoWriMo Success

Catching Up and Freaking Out

Well, things have been super crazy for me lately.

NaNoWriMo is in full swing for me. I have two stories I'm working on and at times I feel like I'm losing my mind with all of this. I think, why did I even do this to myself in the first place.

Then, I'll see something or something will happen and I realize why I'm doing this.

Just a quick update before I jump into my craziness. So far my Asperger book I've decided to call An Aspie's Life is up to 18,993 words. That leaves another 31,007 to write before the end of November. Now, I'm not even remotely sure that I'm going to get it completely done by the end of the month. To me "completely done" means that not only have a written it but I've also edited it for content. Here's hoping I can at least finish writing out that many words by the end of November.

Now, time to delve into my craziness that really set me back a bit on my story writing.

While the person involved with this little story feels really bad about what happened, if they do read this then I want to say that I don't blame you for what happened. It's not your fault but unforeseen circumstances threw our well made plans out of balance. That's what threw me and my mind for a loop that hard.

So, for the rest of you. You might be wondering what it is I'm talking about.

Well, I had decided that since I had so much writing to do for my stories that I really wanted to get done, that I was going to make a day "a writing day". I wouldn't do anything but write. Sure, once in a while I knew I should take breaks so my fingers wouldn't cramp up on me. But I had a goal that I wanted to do.

Now, I don't exactly get up early in the morning. Truthfully, my wake up time is usually 10 am.  Not exactly morning to a lot of people but it's just always the schedule I've been on. I figured I'd wake up, get a few things in order, maybe start my laundry, and then settle down to write my little heart out.

But, that's not exactly the way things worked out. First off, my alarm wasn't on. I didn't even wake up till 10:30. That threw me off my perfect game plan even though it was only thirty minutes. Sometimes that's enough to rattle me. So, I hopped up and avoiding my clothing in the floor that I liked to joke looks like my closet exploded, to go at least give a good morning to my dad since my mom was at work.

This is when another things landed on me. You see, I have a hard enough time trying to focus after I've just woken up. Usually I'm pretty grouchy if someone tries to plan out my day before I'm even coherent. I'm not a coffee drinker but I have considered it from time to time. This morning was no exception because my dad immediately asked me if I wanted to go out today with him and drive around town.

I will omit the evil thoughts I had going through my head from a guy that usually knows better than that. But I tried my best to stay polite and let him know what I had planned to do plus the fact I wasn't all together sure that I had clean laundry.

So, I went back to my room and decided since my day was all ready a bust from how I actually wanted it that I'd attempt to go. Besides, when free food is offered who can say no?

I went through my room and found some clean clothing that I could wear with the mental note that they would definitely have to be washed the next day. It took me a while to get ready to go and by that time I had nearly fallen asleep twice because my dog Jack had come in and snuggled up to me on the bed.

But eventually, I managed to get myself presentable. Knowing my dad's errands actually involved business he had to do and that I would be just driving around waiting for him so he wouldn't get a parking ticket meant I'd have some waiting ahead of me. I grabbed a book on the off chance that I would find a place I could pull over and stop circling like a buzzard to read something.

With all that set and me wearing some decent clothing for when we went by his office, I grabbed up the keys and we headed out. It was about 12:30. Now, the original plans were simply to visit by one college he had to pick up something from and then take it in to the office so they could start working on it. You see, my dad works part time for a printing company.

Anyway, before we got to the college, the plans were all ready changing. Now, there was a second place to go to on the same campus and he didn't know how long that would take him. The first guy had offered that he'd bring it out to my dad if he just called before we got there.

Well, that didn't happen. My dad is a genuinely good guy and he doesn't like people doing more work than they have to especially today since it was exceptionally cold outside. I pulled up outside the building I had seen time and again before to let my dad out. Once he was gone, I began to circle the building. The tedium set in. I was getting fed up with driving in circles because there was no where to park or pull over.

I was about to park illegally somewhere when I came back around towards the building and saw him coming out. I was more than happy to see we were about to leave. By this time I was all ready hungry. Because of my inability to eat after I've gotten up, I had only had a handful of peanuts and it was getting on towards two in the afternoon.

He told me that we would just make this one stop and then on the way to his office we could grab something to eat. I swallowed back the anxiety I was starting to feel and just relaxed. I knew he would take care of me I just had to be patient. I had all ready decided this wasn't going to be the writing day I had hoped. That didn't completely stop my anxiety though.

We went to look for the other building and got lost getting there because things had changed so much since he had last been there. Thankfully this time, there was a parking space I could pull into. This helped immensely so I could shut off the car and read the book I had brought with me. I was able to pull back and not think about the time and just get lost in a book. So, I didn't think to look at the time till dad finally emerged and got back into the car.

It was now after three in the afternoon.

My mind asserted to me that I needed to have something to eat. That I normally ate at noon and it should have been like that. Why hadn't I eaten anything yet? This was the moment I began to spiral out of control. I was barely contained when we finally left the campus and headed towards dad's office.

For a while afterwards, dad was rather oblivious to the turmoil I was going through. Mostly because I had contained it, barely, and he was talking on and on about something or other. I wasn't really paying attention. Eventually, though, I couldn't hide it anymore and I found myself silently crying.

There was no reason for this really. My stomach wasn't growling. I wasn't feeling dizzy. He hadn't said anything to upset me. My mental plans of how a day should go had just been thrown into the figurative blender and spun about messing everything up. At least that was how I saw it.

Finally, he noticed that I was upset and asked if he had said something to upset me. Slowly, we talked everything out and although I didn't blame him for what happened, it was apparent to me that he did. Even as we got to his office, he offered me an out so I could sit outside and take a breather. But even the thought of sitting there alone wasn't helpful. I wanted to be with people. I didn't want to be upset. And...my legs were crying out to move around.

Instead of just hanging out in the front with the secretary that I knew so well, I took a moment to go to the bathroom which gave me a moment to calm down and breathe so I wouldn't break down in the middle of the lobby.

By the time I came out, I was mostly composed and was able to chat with the secretary and one of the other guys who worked there. I even joked around a bit even though I didn't feel like it. One of the jokes I made was to the secretary about how my dad needed to treat his driver a little better. She was hungry and that was her paycheck she wanted to cash in.

I got her in on the ribbing of my dad a bit to try and lighten the situation since he hadn't eaten anything for lunch either. That alone did more to help my state of mind than anything else. The way back was better. True, I was quite eager to get back to a place where we could sit down and eat something. No I didn't speed. But I wanted to.

But in the end, everything turned out all right. I got something to eat. Joked around some more and finally got to go home. Despite my dedication to NaNoWriMo, I knew I wasn't going to do any writing today. I had only eaten something at 4:30 and gotten home at 5:00. It was not a good day to start writing but a very good day to have some personal time to play video games and get my mind off the day I had.

Being an Aspie that day was NOT a good thing. If I didn't have this issue that wouldn't have happened at all I don't think. I would have thought rationally instead of on some schedule of the way I thought things should be. I did the wrong thing and didn't plan for the unexpected side trips that I knew could happen. I thought I could get away with just assuming that everything was going to work out like he said it would.

I learned my lesson that day and I don't think I'll ever forget it. I'm an Aspie every day. Not just once in a while. I need to be honest with myself and say no if I really know something will mess me up. Being more assertive is hard as an Aspie because you aren't really the most outgoing person. But I've found it is so very important when it comes to your mental health.

Keep in mind that while times may be tough once in a while. Things will get better. Eventually, they will just be a memory of a hard time that you managed to overcome. If you are facing a hard time right now, it may not seem like there's going to be an end to it. It may seem like the bad times are there to stay. But that's not true. There are sure to be good times in your life after this. Like I've told people before, how are we to know what the bad times are if we never have the good times to reflect back on?

If things are going bad, keep up the hope for the good. Don't think that it will never end. Everything has an end and it will come to you today, tomorrow, next week, or next month. It might feel like a long time to wait but eventually it will pass like this did for me and you can look back and see that you made it.

That's all from this chic for now. Time for Creative Karma to get back to the books, so to speak.

Myths About Introverts and How They Apply to Aspies

Hey there again everyone.

Well, first a quick update before jumping into my topic.

I have been working on my book, though not as much as I hoped I would, but I figure editing as a go would be easier than to try and edit EVERYTHING after I'm done. Whether that's true or not actually remains to be seen after it's all said and done. Everything is a learning process and I have to start somewhere.

Now, onward to my topic.

Introverts and Aspies. Those two terms are more interchangeable than most people think. Some people that have Aspergers are thought to just be introverts and vice versa.

But what is true is that Aspergers is a social disorder. Like a saying I once heard that I will now edit for my own purposes: All Aspies are introverts but not all introverts are Aspies.

I'm not going to go into here the how and why and what have you about what Aspergers is. What I am going to do is base my post today off a list I saw a while back on the internet about the top ten myths about introverts and give the Aspie side of them from my own point of view. So let's begin.

Myth Number 1 - Introverts and Aspies don't like to talk.

Here is a prime place to start. Yes, Aspergers is a social disorder and those with it tend to avoid social situations in which they would have to talk with people.

However, that doesn't mean that they don't like to talk or won't ever talk.

With the majority of situations I've been in, the conversations around me I tend to look at from a logical perspective. Or rather too logical. I have little time or concern for who is dating who in popular media. Who the US is going to war with. Idle gossip about so and so's friend dating so and so. Etc Etc. You get the picture.

During those times, I can feel my eyes start to glaze over and I forget to look attentive and interested because in my head...why should I be? Most people have told me they hate being lied to and for me that gets taken literally and I'm naturally too honest in every situation. Lately, I've tried to tone that down when it's appropriate and try to be more attentive even when the subject is just not something I'm into but my friend or family member is.

On the flip side of that, you get me talking about movies, books, music, stories and I'm in. This doesn't mean I'm all gun-ho for going to art galleries but I like art and movies and the like and some times people are hard pressed to get me to realize I'm now dominating the conversation. In a way, I haven't been talking this whole conversation and finding something I can actually talk about is like releasing the steam off a valve or a tea kettle or something. It all just starts pouring out because I want to be part of the conversation.

But keep in mind too that just because an Aspie around you has suddenly become very talkative doesn't mean that'll last. A lot of the times once I get all of that out I'm literally done talking for the next few hours because I've worn myself out or I've been made to feel like I should shut up because I've talked over everyone else. Logical? Not really. But hey, it's the truth.

Myth Number 2 - Introverts and Aspies are shy

This again goes hand in hand with the above thoughts. Aspeies are not going to socialize as often as everyone else. Why? Because they get more out of short moments than long ones but that'll come up more later.

I honestly have times where I've been pushed around by my own family members about the fact I should go out and do something. My reaction: Why? Reason: This is because I really need a reason to be social and to talk to someone. I don't do it because I should because to me that's not a valid reason. I talk to people because there is something I want to say because I have a goal in mind that I've been thinking about.

If you want someone around you that's an Aspie to interact, don't wait for someone to do it. Go over there yourself and strike up a conversation. Take it easy on them because they may not be used to it and might have to be eased into it. But if you can get them talking then be warned they might not shut up. But that's a good thing.

Myth Number 3 - Introverts and Aspies are rude

This couldn't be farther from the truth.

I can easily admit there are times I've been confronted about something I've said that offended someone and I was truly shocked. Sure, I'm sure there are some out there who are being rude. Maybe they have a bad home life. Maybe they are having a bad day. Maybe they are self conscious and trying to be louder and haughty to make everyone think otherwise.

As for me, I am usually oblivious to anything I've said that might be offensive because I just don't think that way on a regular basis. I'm generally a very kind person and it takes a lot for me to be truly angry at someone. My tagline around new people once they learn of my Aspie nature has been this: Just know that at some point I might say something that sounds rude or off. IF that happens please stop me and tell me especially if it comes out of left field. I may not know that I've done it and will apologize for it.

This links back in to the fact that those who are Aspies are VERY straight forward when they shouldn't be and can be too harsh. They can be honest to a fault and in most situations that's not the way they should act but they are very unaware of it on the whole. In their minds, they think everyone should be honest.

Despite their honest nature, their efforts to converse can be physically and mentally draining as well and might make them irritable. At which point they might last out or burst into tears because they have been over stimulated in public. Should this happen the BEST thing that anyone can do is for ONE person to take them aside AWAY from the situation and just sit with them quietly while they calm down. Trust me, they will thank you for it later.

Myth Number 4 - Introverts and Aspies don't like people

Actually I happen to love people. I have some very close and beloved friends. The fact alone that I can count my friends on one hand doesn't matter. What matters is that those who have made it to being my friends is me allowing people into my weird little world.

As a person with Aspergers it is hard to open up long enough to let someone in to be a friend. To trust them. Now that they are my friend, I trust them as much if not more than some of my family members. They know things about me that others don't. Currently, everyone I have in my life is someone that has been around since I learned that I have Aspergers. There are a few people I wish were still around but aren't because location, life changes, or they just couldn't understand and handle my wild and wacky ways before I knew it was Aspergers.

Now that these people are in my "inner circle" because I have seen in them something so valuable that I want them around and that I can tell they see me as something more than just a disorder, I find the thought of them not being in my life a dull and colorless notion that I never like to entertain for long.

Once an Aspie is your closest friend, know you can easily have a friend for life.

Myth Number 5 - Introverts and Aspies don't like to go out in public

For this I'm literally going to quote the original word for word:

"Nonsense. Introverts [Aspies] just don't like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don't need to be there for long to 'get it.' They're ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts [Aspies]."

That sums it up better than anything else. There is really nothing more to say on that matter.

Myth Number 6 - Introverts and Aspies always want to be alone

Aspies do like spending SOME time alone. Sometimes it's just a time to process their day. Other times, it's a Saturday they like to fill with things they enjoy doing. No two Aspies are alike in what they like to do but they tend to like to do it alone.

However, they also have times when they've been doing something fun and they long to share it with someone else. They may not expect you to do it with them but they will want to tell you all about it.

I can say for me that there are even times that get so upset that I don't have anyone to share it with that I can be depressed for a few hours.

Keep in mind, you can give them a chance to come out with you and talk and hang out. But don't be upset when they don't want to go. They are probably nervous about going out and having their plans changed on them. Don't get discouraged and think they will never want to go out. Come back another time and try again. They might just surprise you and say yes.

Myth Number 7 - Introverts and Aspies are weird

In a way this is true. Again I'm going to pull from the original here: "They are often individualists. They don't follow the crowd. They'd prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don't make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy."

I know I have ideas and such that aren't traditional. My way of speaking, writing, drawing, moving, or anything else is going to be unique to me. The only thing I'm looking for is someone who can accept my weirdness and see the person underneath all of that.

Myth Number 8 - Introverts and Aspies are aloof nerds

This is completely untrue. I space out from time to time but that's only because I have this inner dialouge running with myself or some imaginary being in my own mind. It stimulates my mind in a way I can control and turn off when I have had enough. That's something no one can do with the world around them.

So people who are Aspies tend to seem aloof or standoffish because they are more confident with the thoughts in their own mind. It's the one place where they won't be berated or expected to do more than they can handle.

Myth Number 9 - Introverts and Aspies don't know how to relax and have fun

Here is something that is a hot issue with me. Everyone has their own idea of what is fun to do. For some they can't handle a day without a trip to the mall. Or a ride on a rollercoaster. Or even going out to a club. But for those with Aspergers, like myself, we like to relax at home or somewhere quiet. Public places aren't relaxing enough to have fun in.

There is so much activity going on that my mind keeps working like someone who is cramming for a major test. Eventually, my mind will get tired and I have to shut down and escape. Just like in introverts, an Aspies mind is too sensitive to everything going on around them and once that is overstimulated all the fun and games are over.

Myth Number 10 - Introverts and Aspies can fix themselves and become Extroverts

This is something that really gets on my nerves. The term "fix" isn't something I believe you can do to a person. You can fix a car, a computer, and a broken vase. But you don't fix a person. Each person is an individual and should be respected for their different temperaments and abilities. Aspies can bring great things to the human race and saying they should be "fixed" and be like everyone else. They all ready don't like conforming to traditional standards but I believe this to be downright disrespectful.

Aspies are intellectual people and can think well enough for themselves. The fact anyone might suggest they need to change to be more outgoing just forces them to ignore those things they can do the best for things people think they should be good at. This can easily deprive others of something valuable that an Aspie can bring to the table.

-End rant-

So there you have it. These myths are very good things to keep in mind about those who are introverts and those who are Aspies.

There are more out there but as a general list it's a great place to start learning about what not to think about in these situations.

Everyone is unique and if you manage to take into account those oddities of friends that aren't diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome then why not take the time to do the same thing for those that are.

New Asperger Project!

Hey there everyone. Your resident AS chic here.

I have to say that as an Asperger person with a side dish of ADD, I find it increasingly difficult to stay focused on even the tasks I enjoy doing.

In my spare time when I'm not freaking out about one thing or another, I used to write on a daily basis. Yeah, they were mostly fan fictions of TV shows or movies or even books I liked but I still wrote. The numerous notebooks next to my desk tells the tale of all the unfinished stories that I started but haven't finished not to mention the ones I started typing on my computer when I ran out of notebooks to write them in.

Considering the age of my laptop...might have to shift a copy of those to my zip drive in case my laptop decides to melt on me in the future.

But, lately, I've come to a sort of...realization.

I was being lazy with my room a wreck behind me as I watched videos on YouTube. That time sucking void people can spend hours merely watching videos of cats and never be heard from again...or a least till some bodily function forces them to grip back on to reality.

But for me, I was watching my newest addiction: Anna Akana. If you haven't watched any of her videos then go check them out. I can say this with utter confidence that you'll have a rebound back to reality because that's what happened to me.

I was catching up on some of her videos I hadn't seen as she only posts new logs on Monday when I came across one talking about our inner muse. And no, for you band lovers it's not the band Muse but that little creative voice in your head that gives you that spark of desire while you are working that infuses you with energy and life and everything flows out easier and better.

While I was watching, her words struck a chord with me. She said that while we expect "the muse" to be some happy little fairy that comes and sprinkles inspiration dust over our heads that gets us up and working...that the muse is more like some lazy roommate laying on the couch drinking beer and eating pizza that notices we are really trying to work and it finally stumbles over and gives us the nudge we need.

And really...that's completely true. Although that may be a "well duh" moment for some, it took someone else voicing it to sink in to my mind.

The muse just doesn't come along, drag me out of a slump, put a pencil in my hand, and put a gun to my head to force me to write. No only I can make myself get up and just start writing and eventually the ideas will just start to flow outwards.

She was right about something else as well. That if you really are dedicated to doing something that it's you that has to do it and if you aren't then you have to be the one to go after what you are really passionate about. To each their own.

It took the rest of the day and most of the next for it all to really sink in and reach those ideas I have buried in my head under the weight of unwatched YouTube videos, reruns of TV shows I've seen a hundred times, and hours playing games on my computer.

Once it unearthed those ideas I had long pushed aside saying I was too tired or too busy, I discovered that if I really wanted those things to happen that I couldn't give excuses any more. I would just have to make time. If that mean not watching another episode of The Walking Dead, Roseanne, or Criminal Minds...well then I would just have to miss it and stay on track. Or get up earlier and I knew that wasn't going to happen without some other motivation.

What does all this have to do about Asperger's?

Well, I've decided to pick my pen back up with a new writing project. The whole point of my blog here is that people just don't know enough about Aspergers. Most people don't even know it exists.

If you go out looking for books on the subject there might be one or two with some personal basis behind it but for the majority they are very formal doctoral things with more medical jargon than you ever wanted to hear on a subject.

What about the people who all ready know they have it or those who have a friend, loved one, or family member who has it and they are having trouble relating to them because of the disorder?

That's my idea. I'm going to take all my personal experiences and knowledge by simply living day to day with Asperger's and write a book.

And the beauty of it is, it's going to be completely unique. No one sees things the exact same way I do. No one can understand the way I comprehend things or the way I get confused by things.

What if by writing out a book where I describe my reactions in various situations like I do here on this blog in a book that more people can get their hands on someone finds out they aren't as alone as they thought? Or maybe that family member, friend, or loved one who is trying to understand better the mind behind their AS other finally can begin to understand the right questions to ask to understand them better.

And this might be far fetched, but what if an employer was looking at an AS person as a candidate for a job and could read this book and see what potential they have within them and get the knowledge they need to give them a chance?

Again, that is pretty far fetched even to me but if one doesn't start dreaming and hoping then how will they ever start reaching for those things they truly want?

Like a quote I saw the other day said: There is only room for doubt or faith in your mind.

If you doubt then you really don't have faith and if you have faith then you are without doubt. Maybe not all the time but you will bounce back and let go of those things you can't control and take hold of those things you can.

So, I'm going to grab hold with both hands and fight for my dreams instead of sitting back and thinking they will never happen. Because they certainly can if I just watch life being lived and don't join in.

I will give updates on my progress as I can. My goal is to write one chapter a day on this story and one for fun so I don't burn out my mind on the same book and let it fall to the wayside.

Keep hope alive and reach for those things you truly want for yourself. If you don't give up that hope then you can get there because no one else can get you where you want to go but yourself.

When Ignorance and Bigotry Merge

Autism is a serious matter. It's something that takes daily focus, concentration, guidance, and support from friends and family. As most know that have to deal with Autism, that for the most part, there are NO medications to help curb the side effects that leech into everyday life.

Unfortunately, when people are unaware of the difficulties faced every day by the person with Autism as well as friends and family, and they become more concerned with their own comfort level is when things can go seriously wrong.

Anyone who has Twitter or browses the web knows of where I'm going with this. For people that don't know, however, I'll explain.

I saw this myself on my Facebook page that a good friend of mine posted. The title was disconcerting and while I hoped it was some sort of sick joke, my friend's reaction to it told me it wasn't.

Apparently, some days ago, an anonymous woman slipped a note under the doorway into a house where a young man who has severe Autism lives with his mother. The note itself, while having no profanity, was horrendously vile and cruel in the way that make profanity look like the "Queen's English".

I'll post a link to the picture of the letter below.

 Woman's Incredibly Offensive Letter

In the letter, the use of multiple exclamation marks might make it seem as if it were some child playing a prank. But once one delves into the words being typed, it's hard to imagine anyone being this cruel.

Lines like:

 "You selfishly put your kid outside everyday and let him be a nothing but a nuisance and a problem to everyone else with that noise polluting whaling he constantly makes!!!"

And

"It scares the hell out of my normal children!!!!!!!"

Expresses how much she values her form of "normalcy". These lines are hurtful enough. However, the lady, if one can even call her that, doesn't stop there. Instead of trying to treat this situation like an adult, she turns her venom onto the parents and tries to "explain" her... "logic".

"He is a hindrance to everyone and will always be that way!!!!! Who the hell is going to care for him????? No employer will hire him, no normal girl is going to marry/love him and you are not going to live forever!! Personally, they should take whatever non retarded body parts he possesses and donate it to science."

This woman doesn't seem to have a rational bone in her entire body.

People with Autism didn't ask to be this way. It's not a choice that happens. Hell, it's not even something that was the parents fault. Parents who were healthy their entire lives can just as easily give birth to a child with Autism just as much as parents who have smoked or drank or had multiple surgeries in their life time.

There are amazing people out in the world who have started up their own businesses that are autistic. Video game creators, artists, musicians, and even scientists. There was even a young girl with such severe autism that she couldn't function half as well as the boy in this story who loves color and painting. Now, a library has seen her work and hangs it in their library and they are bring sold on the internet to help fund her treatment and well being.

And yet, here we have this woman who rages against someone that has never harmed her or her children in anyway. Instead of showing her children the value of compassion and understanding, she makes a suggestion on how this young man's family might ease HER fears.

"Go live in a trailer in the woods or something with your will animal kid!!"

And there it comes. To her, his is nothing more than an animal now. Not worth anything to anyone. A burden upon society. A blemish upon the normal fabric of the nation.

Seems to me like this woman needs to look in the mirror at herself and her life before deciding who really is a burden upon the people around her.

If all the rest of her letter wasn't enough, she ends her letter of hate with the most offensive words that anyone could say about a HUMAN BEING...

"Do the right thing and move or euthanize him!! Either way, we are ALL better off!!!"

Excuse me... EUTHANIZE HIM? What is the matter with this woman. If one of her children were born with a disability that didn't reveal itself till later in life, would she kill her own child just to be rid of what she currently considers a burden?

Part of me fears for the children living under her roof and the things they are being taught about people today.

Will they be the ones glaring in scorn as a disabled person being pushed in a wheelchair passes them down the sidewalk as they give him or her a wide berth?

There is more than enough hate in this world without adding to it by taking out our anger and disdain on others because they are different or because we don't know the whole story.

We all MUST learn from each other. We need to see that everyone no matter who they are needs not only to be called a human being but also needs to be listened to with an open mind and a open heart.

And even though this woman might never see this post, I want to send a message to her and her family.

I will say that I pray for her and her family. I will pray that God will open her eyes to what she has caused to happen and the pain she has caused to another family. That she should know that while eventually when hate cools that in my own heart I will forgive her for her actions but I will certainly never forget her and her actions. That while I might be an unemployed 28 year old woman with a disability, that in the here and now I truly feel more sorry for her that she feels like she must express her anger and disdain in such a way. I can only hope that she can confront the issues that are causing her to lash out against her fellow human beings and come to terms with her own inner demons.

If you want to see the article and news broadcast about this event, follow the link below and I hope that one day soon, all of this can be just a memory of what used to be.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/the-incredibly-offensive-letter-sent-to-a-mother-with-an-aut

Communication

Communication.

There's a topic for you when dealing with someone with Asperger's Syndrome.

From personal experience up to trained doctors and psychiatrists, I know for a fact that most people with AS tend to be bad with communication.

Being able to write things out or think things through from anywhere from 30 mins to a couple of hours before being able to voice how I feel is typically the norm depending on the situation.

Through the blogging medium, I'm able to think and write at the same time in a way of just writing what comes into my head in a place that's like an online diary but with the possibility of people actually reading it. While public speaking terrifies me the majority of the time, the thought of people reading my thoughts on a blog isn't as scary.

Why?

Because I'm not having to stare at a large group of people and keep my thoughts in some rational line of thought. I can literally jump around from thought to thought on a blog since this is my place to lay out how it really is.

While most people might wonder how would I get people to understand my ramblings and understand Asperger's in this manner I might counter that this is the very heart of my point.

This site is about showing what Asperger's is really like. Not just the good but the bad as well.

To know how the mind of someone with Asperger's is really like helps one to understand them and find the means of how to communicate with that person in a better way so everyone can understand.

People with Asperger's need that communication, as much as they can get.

Even myself where I'm sort of the high end of the middle of the pack of high functions AS people need to have clear communication so we know what to expect.

Having muddled, vague, incomplete, or no communication only serves to increase the amount of stress and confusion in my mind for sure and makes it even harder to function in a day to day environment.

Sure there are times when things can change without warning.

These are times when people with AS really need someone there with them to give them a hand or allow them a sort of "grace period" or "breathing room" so they can process this sudden burst of new information and formulate a logical and appropriate response.

For some, this becomes even more difficult when they are in the range of those that can't pick up what are called "social cues". Those little motions, movement, or body language that says when they have crossed a line.

In this day and age of the internet, body language has become a thing of the past. Things like emotes or text speak have become the only form of body language to let the other person know what sort of tone or mood their sentence is being said in.

Let's take the word "okay" for instance. Since we are on the internet "okay" on it's own can have a variety of meanings: happy, disinterested, sarcastic, even angry. Imagine going through a normal day interacting with people and not knowing what mood they are in because you don't have the necessary body language to tell you.

That's what part of being someone with AS is really like.

Then, if they manage to navigate through the lack of understanding body language they may run into another problem: low self esteem or image.

I can personally say that when I was growing up, I always felt like when I tried to reach out to do something social that I was rejected or not allowed access to it by someone or something because I messed up in someway due to the Asperger's I didn't know I had.

Since I was locked away from being social the majority of time, save for with certain "approved" people, I went into my college years feeling more of an outsider or outcast than I ever did in high school and now I was utterly on my own in a state I'd only visited on rare occasions.

While I did manage to interact with the scare few people around me, more often than not my conversational skills were limited enough that I merely sat and listened as they talked amongst themselves and I'd nod or smile or give one word responses till we arrived at a topic that I was more comfortable with. This didn't happen often.

It took me moving to a community college that was more relaxed before I was able to open up to anyone.

At the time, I was on meds for ADD. That helped with my stress in meeting new people, though later we discovered that ADD is actually enmeshed in my personal brand of AS.

What it taught me, even after I stopped taking the meds, was that people weren't going to "bite my head off". Generally, they were really nice people and I shouldn't be afraid to talk to them or to speak my mind. Even just saying hello to the one other person on the elevator with you can allow you to meet someone that you wouldn't have met otherwise.

It was an amazing epiphany to me before I even was officially diagnosed with AS.

It took me till nearly the end of my college career before I had enough confidence in myself to look at the people I had surrounded myself with and really see what I had done to myself. No one around me really knew me at all. I was just tagging along because I was afraid to be alone because I spoke out against one of them. They didn't share my interests. They didn't even care what they were. Only one or two ever did ask and they graduated before I did so I lost that connection once they moved away.

Cutting myself off from those people became so much easier to do once I knew there was no longer a reason to hang onto them anymore. Sure, I wouldn't have someone to go hang out with on the weekends and I knew I'd be up for some days where I might regret this decision but in the end I knew now that I'd be giving myself the chance to find people that truly got me as a person.

I was alone but I was happier than I had been in my years of college surrounded by people.

I was right of course. I've had days where I would sit and cry because I was alone and I didn't have a friend to even go to a bookstore with or just goof around with. I have a great friend that lives in Texas that's like the other half of me. But by living in Texas we can't just hop up and go to the movies anytime we want to together.

Sometimes that hurt to think about as well. But I would eventually tell myself that I would do something about this. I'd find a way to have them move closer to me or vice versa.

However, despite my many personal accomplishments in this area, living around others who didn't share my similar views into things like this made things harder.

I knew how important it was to communicate what I was feeling because they didn't understand but being an AS person or they my elder in some shape, form, or fashion. I was either ignored, looked at oddly, or told it wasn't my place to say.

These moments happened time and again leaving me with a familiar impression. That despite doing so many things so well that I was pushed back to square one again. Feeling self conscious and not being able to do anything about it this time. If I was always told to keep my mouth shut yet to stay upbeat and do as I was told then...where is my life?

What happens to my thoughts? My dreams? My happiness?

I believe in always doing my best to be who I am instead of trying to squeeze myself into someone else's mold.

I can't be like everyone else because I'm just me. If it effect my life then it is my business. While I'm not in the later years of life, it doesn't mean that my thoughts and opinions don't hold merit and value and should be smothered and ignored.

Sometimes an outside opinion, even from someone like me, can show those around them the flaws in their thinking and make them rethink the path they have gone on.

And really...that's just what this blog is about.

Don't close yourself off because you think you can do better alone. Everyone needs someone else to point at them and really make them see where they are and help them back if they didn't mean to be there in the first place.

Stay open.

Stay willing to listen, to hear, and to learn. Always.

A Prime Example

Hello again everyone. Creative Karma your resident Autistic is back to share a little more of her world.

This blog may not be one of those things I update everyday, I mean hey, I do have other things that drag me away but recently some new things that have happened that perfectly illustrate the very things I have been talking about on this blog.

Most times, I'd say about 90% of the time, the people that tend to unintentionally step on the toes of an Autistic are those that are completely unaware that what they have said or done that normally wouldn't bother anyone else has hit a nerve with this one specific person.

But that still leave the other 10%.

It might surprise anyone that the other 10% can easily be the families of those who live with someone with autism of some kind.

The statement seems really odd to say. How can someone that has lived with and autistic person for 15 or more years of their lives still manage to do something or other that sends their autistic relative, child, or what have you to a "bad place".

Well, I can tell you that it's pretty simple most of the time. People work, people leave the house, and people don't stay in the same room at all times with the other. So even someone who has an autistic child under their roof doesn't always have to converse or deal with that autistic person so a slip can happen.

The very same slip an autistic person can make that shows their autism at an inconvenient time is something that even those that don't have autism can have. This is because they may have just spent all day working in an environment where they didn't have to think about what they were saying or doing because most likely no one in that office or place of business had autism. So they come home tired and they don't think and it just happens.

I suppose that very thing happened to me just the other day when I assumed that just a quick run out to get a chore done was going to be just that. I had no reason at the time to believe otherwise because no one had told me about the change in plans. Yet, in the heat of that moment the surprise was sprung on me and I was shaken to the core.

Honestly, I even doubt that anyone around me knew about my internal state or that between the time they left after that announcement and the next moment they saw me that I'd cried a few tears. And that despite the pain of swallowing back the tears and the urge to give into my desperation, I did. I wiped my eyes, told myself I would force myself to make it through it because I could eventually go back home and lay down and it would all be okay.

While I couldn't help the lack of smiles that I normally give people when I'm in a good mood, the act of holding back my feelings in a situation that honestly didn't call for them took away my happy mood but allowed me to keep moving on with the rest of them.

And as I have found helpful, I sent my mind to another place when I could. I could look out the window and watch the birds, the clouds, the trees, anything. I could create stories in my head that I could control and allow the conversations around me to wash over me and not overwhelm me.

Eventually, the day ended and I headed home to lay back in my bedroom with the door closed and allow myself to finally relax. And while I did not break down and cry, I felt the sense of happiness to be back in a calm place that I could close off and call my own and simply not do anything if I didn't want to.

Looking back on this experience, I realized that I'd inadvertently stepped into a solution for those problems in the future. That whether I was at a workplace or just out in a shopping mall I could draw those feelings of my world spinning out of control and use the positive aspects of the motions around me to calm those flights of fancy which would allow me to continue with my day long enough to make it back to a place where I could relax my shoulders and be happy I made it through the day.

But despite finding this source of help for my special brand of Autism, even I know that it's not going to go away. I will have to have that on the back burner waiting for me to use but it will happen again. I will always be the sort of odd chic out on the inside with a thin layer of the common chic on the outside to contain my wild nature.

In a way, I like myself this way. If I wasn't this type of person, would I still be a blogger? Would I like to write stories? Would drawing the characters in my head give me the same sense of joy? The more I think about those questions, the more I sense that the answer would be an astounding no.

To go along with that thought and to bring an end to this post, I will bring out another quote I discovered when I was setting up my white erase calendar on my door with a new quote of the month. This quote I decided to do about Autism since I'm an May baby.

"Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg." -Paul Collins

A little sideline action

This post is a bit different from the ones I thought I'd be posting. My concept was pretty simple: show others what life is like through the eyes of someone that's autistic.

I mean, it's not like I can really say that this is what it's like for all autistic people but I can at least show a small portion of this world and maybe people can understand more about autism.

How sad was I to realize just today, the day I'm getting ready to head to my cousin's wedding that there really are people who feel as if people who have autism shouldn't be listened to or taken notice of.

I know that discrimination based on disability does happen when it comes to the workforce and other places. True, this site might count against my in the eyes of many employers when I go looking for a job. However, the way I see it, if they would shut me out of a job that I'm qualified of capable of doing because I have a disability then I wouldn't want to be around them to see what other things and people they discriminate against.

This whole post was deemed necessary when I go on DA (Deviant Art) to check my messages and new art, when what do my eyes see but a post talking about taking fetish work off DA but in their description they said they wouldn't respond to someone who is autistic.

For obvious reasons I will not be linking to the person, DA, or the piece in question. I won't even copy and paste the sentence that seemed to sum up their thoughts on people with autism. Though, by now, you can probably guess what their thoughts on autism are.

While no real explanation seemed to be given for why they believed what they believe about people with autism, it's left to the rest of the world to speculate.

Does this person have autism and they hate themselves because of what they have to go through everyday? Or where they bullied everyday about their form of autism and make to believe they are worthless and meaningless because they have autism?

What could be their reason for assuming those with autism should be ignored?

True, some people with autism have an altered view of reality. Sometimes they have a harder time expressing themselves in a proper manner or in while trying to say what they mean it can come out wrong and unintentionally offend someone. I should know, I've done that last one.

I can't count the times I've said something that offended someone and I had no earthly idea I'd done anything wrong. Not because I was just being rude or I thought people talked that way but simply because my words got jumbled up in my head when I had to respond in the spur of the moment and nothing came out right,or rather nothing came out the way I intended.

I suppose that's why a blog works for me. It's the ultimate opportunity to look at what I'm "saying" and making sure I'm saying what I really mean all while being respectful.

But really, people with autism aren't useless people. Today, people and scientists are still debating and looking trying to discover what causes autism. Is it cause the parents smoked? Because they did recreational drugs? Is it genetics? Is it a birth defect?

No matter how and why autism happens to so many people, it still happens. To date, there is no "cure" for autism. There are ways to calm the symptoms down to reasonable levels but there will always be times where something will happen and a symptom will flare up and sometimes without warning.

It's no fault of theirs that they have something they were born with that now controls their life and actions. There are some amazing kids that have autism that can do amazing things. Last year I heard about a girl with autism that just liked to color. The drawings weren't of anything in particular but just swatches of color. These drawings drew the attention of their local library who now has a area of the library commemorating her work which can now be bought by others.

There are even authors, artists, activists, anthropologists, and music prodigies that are autistic. People like John Elder Robinson author of Look me in the Eye, Jason McElwain who is a high school student with autism that in the last minutes of high school basketball game, in which he was a member of the team, scored 20 points. Some of those being from the three point range.

There is Dawn Prince-Hughes that obtained her Ph.D. and is associated with the Jane Goodall Institute for her work as a primatologist and ethnologist.

Oh, and for those of you who like Pokemon. Satoshi Tajiri, the creator of Pokemon had an autistic fascination with bugs that led him to create the popular Pokemon franchise of video games.

Most of those people have a form of Asperger's Syndrome just like me. They are all successful people in their own way because people believed in them and they believed in themselves. And we all know how much money Mr. Tajiri made with the Pokemon franchise.

So, I don't know what would make someone think that people with autism have nothing to say or nothing of value to give to the world. People with autism are not "them" and I'm not going to go off and say "We..." because while I have autism, that doesn't mean people with autism should be mushed together and swept under a rug.

Everyone in the world has their own individual traits and quirks. To say that all people with autism shouldn't be listened to would be similar to saying that all "white" people are overweight bigots or all "blacks" are criminals. We as humanity are all individuals and have our own way of seeing the world based on how we were raised, the things we saw, and the things we experienced.

"Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman

Bachelorette Parties and More

Well, here is the first official post I suppose of this new blog.

Part of dealing with having AS (Asperger's Syndrome)  is dealing with face-to-face communications and interactions with other people.

True, most days people are talking on Skype, some instant messenger provider, Facebook, or through some other chatting format. And while that is the easy way out for someone with AS, it's not necessarily the best way to acclimate to a social environment. That's one big thing that AS people have a serious problem with, as I'm well aware.

So, despite my reservations about going to my cousin's Bachelorette Party along with the knowledge that there would be a lingerie party afterward, I decided to go through with my agreement to come.

The day before the party was, in retrospect, the hardest part of the entire thing.

I found it more than difficult considering I haven't been shopping for new clothing in...what...the past 3 or 4 years. Most of the clothing I had, had been something from high school/college or was something purchased for the express purpose of an interview or a family gathering.

So really...I had nothing by the way of a casual dress that was still formal. I've got formal floor length, I've got business style dresses, club style dresses....despite the fact I've never been to a club in my life. But nothing that I could really be comfortable in for a few hours. Let alone a decent pair of high heels that I could wear and not feel like they were going to fall off my foot, rub my ankle raw, or break my ankle by the end of the evening.

It took me and my mother hours to finally come up with something that was comfortable for me but dressy enough for the evening that was ahead of me.

When the evening arrived, I willingly admit that I was nervous. This was the first time I'd ever been invited to a Bachelorette Party officially. Back when a friend of mine was married they made plans to head out for hers after the rehearsal dinner and I was invited as they were leaving but I declined.

But this time, I was invited and whether or not I went to the lingerie party afterwards would ultimately be determined on whether I was having fun and if I didn't have a headache. One of the unfortunate side effects of having AS is something that's similar to someone with ADD. Noise, movement, distractions, lights. All of these things make one's mind work harder than usual. While the typical person might be able to push those into the back of their mind and ignore them, someone with ADD/ADHD or AS has considerable difficultly blocking those noises out and the constant pounding on their nervous system gives them headaches or stresses them to the point that they must remove themselves from the environment to return to a balanced state.

Well, I knew that it was entirely possible that by the end of dinner I wasn't going to feel like doing anything else but going home and laying down somewhere quiet for a few hours.

But as the night progressed I found, to my great surprise, that not only was I interacting well with the other girls there that I was a complete stranger to but I was having a great time as well. Even with all the talking, noise, constant movement, and balancing conversations I only had one time where I had a headache.

Thankfully, I wasn't in the middle of conversation at the time so I could simply close my eyes for a moment and take slow breaths to help my mind balance come back and for the headache to go away.

With my headache out of the way and dinner over, I found that not only did I feel up to the task of staying for the rest of the party...I wanted to. A very unlikely course for me for those that know me.

I'm not the partying type. My idea of staying up late is VCing with a couple of friends on Skype and goofing off on the game Second Life or Facebook. Yeah, a party animal I am not.

This was definitely a break through moment for me. In the past, I would have only thought about how much I wanted to be home to have my computer time with my friends. I can truly say that for that night I managed to survive the seemingly insurmountable wall that is the lack of social skills that most AS people lack.

By the time I got back home, I was worn and tired but still happy. I wasn't overwhelmed or feeling upset because of the amount of conversation and noise that I had to deal with. For once, I was able to simply be in the moment and phase out all the things around me that normally would have distracted me and worn me down.

I have to say that I believe the main reason for this success was not only my will power but the lack of pressure that I usually feel from my family to run a constant dialogue or doing the right thing at the right time. That helped me to stay relaxed and made the night the fun night it should be and not a chore that needed to be gotten through as quickly as possible.

This is really a lesson that most people need to learn. People with disabilities that are called "high functioning" can, if they have set their minds to it, can really accomplish much more than others around them might think they can. So, for this post, I'm going to end with a quote that seems quite fitting.

"Always be a first rate version of yourself, rather than a second rate version of someone else." -Judy Garland 

A Little Introduction

For those aren't familiar with me, I typically go by the name Creative Karma here on the internet. I've reviewed books, YouTube videos, shared my drawings, writings and ramblings.

However, there is one thing that most people who read my blogs don't know.

I have Asperger's Syndrome which is a high functioning form of Autism.

About five years ago, right after I graduated college, with a B.A. in English, I started up with a battery of various testings for possible ADD or Asperger's like issues that might be preventing me from obtaining and maintaining a job.

It was determined that I did have Asperger's Syndrome.

Now, most people don't know what that is. Most people see the word Autism and think of someone so handicapped that they can't function in a normal society. And some others might see Asperger's and think back to the young man that shot up a school of his peers and had people later claiming he had Asperger's Syndrome.

While it is possible to have both of those situations occur with someone who has a form of Autism, those people are only part of a much larger scale of people.

There a people right in the middle of everything that, at first glance, appear to be just like everyone else. They dress nice, they walk around, they drive themselves, they have friends and cell phones and bank accounts. However, once someone digs deep enough, little quirks begin to pop up.

Maybe they said something random that wasn't part of the conversation and it wasn't a joke. Maybe they squint when under bright fluorescent lights. They might comment they don't like the texture of some food or the feel of a type of clothing. Maybe they are the type you forget they are there because they hang back and are completely quiet when they aren't being spoken to.

These types of things are signs of their Asperger's. These can range from completely obvious and debilitating to unnoticeable except in situations of extreme stress.

As for me, I land in the middle of that scale. Most of the time, people can't tell that anything is going on with me. For the most part, that is simply because I have spent my 27 years slowly working with it unconsciously to combat my social awkwardness.

The main times I tend to show my AS side is when unexpected change occurs. It could be as something simple as I'm all ready out of the house with a family member and they suddenly add another stop on our trip that I wasn't expecting. Suddenly, my internal sensors start making me panic. While there is no logical reason for me to be upset about staying out longer but it simply happens and requires me to stop, take deep breaths,  and refocus to calm myself back down.

There are a few other times when things spiral out of my control but that is the one that would be the most noticeable to others especially in a workplace environment.

Unfortunately, like with most Autism type syndromes, there is little to nothing that can be done. There are medications that can lower the intensity of certain issues but nothing that will cover the gambit of issues that plagues the daily living besides the constant "internal checking".

What I mean by that is that before speaking, I have to think about the words coming out of my mouth and if they are relevant to the conversation or not. I have to keep a sharp eye for non-verbal cues that let me know if I'm rambling. And, when it's necessary, I have to remove myself from a situation, go to a quiet place, and allow my sensors to cool off before going back to rejoin whatever it was that I left.

Lately, things like that have become easier to handle because I had my prescription lenses tinted a color especially for me. In effect, those medications that people who have ADD or ADHD use to calm their minds down so they can focus, the glasses do the very same thing. While it's a pricey option, some people never have to take medication ever again because the glasses take care of the bulk of the problems.

Now that the techno babble is out of the way, time for the reason I decided to create this blog.

I can't count the number of times during the day that I had to explain to people what Asperger's Syndrome was when I was first diagnosed with it.

There were a surprising amount of people who had no idea it existed yet there were numerous groups dedicated to helping those people deal with everyday life.

Then, when I went to a Vocational Rehabilitation Center that is supposed to help people with disabilities gain the skills they need to gain employment and help them get a job, they had little knowledge in how to deal with someone who has the intelligence to work but lacks certain social skills that become so important during an interview or while they are on the job.

In essence, part of this blog is going to be teaching about Asperger's Syndrome but it's also going to show that, despite having what is considered a "mental disability", that I can function in everyday life, maintain friendships, and have fun all while doing the typical menial tasks like balancing a checkbook, cleaning up around the house, and deal with emotional issues.

I may not be on the rough end of the scale and by no means do I think my words should be taken as the typical life of someone with Asperger's. This is merely the way me, as a person with Asperger's Syndrome, manages to live her life despite the setbacks that come along with it.

If nothing else comes out of this blog than I'm more easily able to reconcile the issues I face and make life a little bit easier to handle, then I will count this blog as a complete success.